A Retrospective: A Year of Living Mindfully
Photo by Adrian Pelletier on Unsplash
In September 2019, I embarked on a Year of Living Mindfully, a 12-month inquiry on bringing an awakened heart and mind to daily life. I entered this program with a busy routine, brimming to-do list, high-pace life and yearning questions: How do I remain calm and grounded in the hustle of life? How can I live more fully? What kind of container and anchors might best support this exploration?. Of course, starting in March to present day — in all that is 2020 from racial reckoning, public health pandemic, and political machinations — the year has provided a need for multiple anchors plus a life raft and swimming lessons! In retrospect, it was the optimal year to be on an intentional and intensive mindfulness journey. And now, on the other side of this year-long program, I am beginning to make some interesting discoveries that are worth bringing into focus. Here are a few takeaways from my Year of Living Mindfully…
When in doubt, slow it all down.
If you’ve never been on a silent meditation retreat, I can’t recommend the experience enough. For the last six years, I’ve prioritized journeying on a silent meditation annually. At this point, you’d think I know what to expect. Yet, every single one has had a different twist. Because I kept a journal throughout the year, I recently looked back at my past musings in February. My mind was frantically busy. I had lists of things to do coming out of my ears. I was like an old top, all wound-up. While on retreat I spiraled into animated dreams and at least one sleepless night. During the latter half of the retreat when my mind had finally unwinded and settled, I experienced some powerfully penetrating memories that yielded strong feelings, visceral felt senses, and formative insights. Jonathan Foust, YLM organizer, teacher, and brilliant space-holder, talks about the idea of slowing things down as a way to “lower the line”. Like an iceberg, what we see, know, and understand is at the surface level. There is a vast underbelly world to the iceberg that we can’t see or truly appreciate until we slow down.
Following the retreat, I became more resolute in my desire to interject more calm and slowness into my daily life. And then Covid-19 entered the scene, and overnight, cemented this wish. To me, slowing down isn’t meant to imply laziness, or being less productive. To me, it is actually about lengthening time, creating space to breath and an ability to think, a spaciousness that emphasizes being instead of doing on autopilot. Nine months into the pandemic, my morning ritual begins at least an hour before my workday begins. I prioritize movement of some kind before my work day starts. In warmer months, I became especially fond of trekking through the woods and meditating in the community garden near my house before launching into endless hours of screen time. This time in nature was a significant force for good. This intention-filled start to my day extends into my work day. Since my full time telework schedule began, I find myself to be more present in my work, and focused on my teammates. For example, I started noticing important team dynamics and had the space to process, discuss, and consider how I could better be a more supportive manager, project leader, and mentor.
As I think back to the days and years I spent learning to play the French horn, I know how important it is to practice with intention and attention, addressing challenging passages, excerpts, or exercises slowly before increasing speed. This same lesson can be applied to almost any daily task with surprising results. In practice, and in performance the rests in a musical piece are just as important as the notes you play. In other words, the spaces without sound have just as profound an impact as those with the sound you hear. These lessons in slowing down, practicing, and listening to gain skill and proficiency are equally applicable to so many aspects of my workday and home life. It’s a reminder that in order to gain mastery you must first slow down.
To be or not to be, that is the question.
As I alluded to earlier, I have been exploring the theme — being versus doing., our capitalistic and consumption driven culture is hyper-focused on doing. Common words in my everyday vernacular include things like deliverables, efficiency, and check-lists. These all point to getting things done. I too love the gratifying feeling that comes with checking things off a list (until I realized that the list actually never ends…). I too am a product of a culture that values doing more, and scheduling more at the peril of things like real self-care. And by self-care I don’t mean manicures and massages, although they are great from time-to-time, I mean time to think, space to slow down, and an emphasis on taking in a moment — or three — without rushing to the next thing to check-off the list. The combination of Covid-19, working from home, and focusing on mindfulness is slowing me down. And in this wider space, I’ve managed to cultivate greater awareness, a stronger sense of daily calm and peace, and more ‘being’ as a state of non-striving, relaxing, and noticing. I’ve been able to operate less on auto-pilot, and more in a conscious state of mind — even if that is just noticing that I am feeling anxious, unsettled, or some other less-than-optimal quality.
Getting to recognize unmet needs.
I’ve been in my fair share of relationships, personally and professionally. Part of being in relationships — as a daughter, sister, friend, partner, colleague, manager — is tending to needs. For example, as a daughter I try to fulfill my parents’ need for me to be financially independent, or as a friend, I try to be someone who is supportive and a good listener. However, I noticed that because I so consistently try to fulfill other people’s needs, this has been to the detriment of my own. It’s been easy to forget, ignore, or dismiss my own needs and desires because I am busy prioritizing those of others. For me, the strongest example of this is the relationship I have with my sister. Beginning at a young age and extending through the toils of teenage-hood, I was in the dogged pursuit of being seen, known, and appreciated by my older sister. Through seemingly trite examples throughout my childhood, like: my sister being notoriously late, me shoveling the car out a snowbank so we could arrive on time to school, and never once being thanked for this act of kindness, to performing other household chores, cooking, and helping out, I have forever been in a place, vying for approval, acceptance, and appreciation from her. For me, this has resulted in years manipulating and contorting my own self to be the person I think she wants me to be, versus the person I actually am. My actions might sound admirable or perhaps selfless on some level, however, my serving her has been at the expense of my ability to communicate my own needs. Through the practice of slowing down and developing greater awareness, I am starting to tap into an intuition, or sense of what I might need in any given moment. In a recent personal relationship, I was able to share what I needed to feel connected, and how I wanted to see the relationship progress. This felt risky because if my needs weren’t met, then I’d be faced with the dilemma of disappointment, walking away, or some other alternative. Because I could articulate my need, which ultimately went unreciprocated and unmet, it gave me clarity and ability to confidently step away. I am beginning to recognize and articulate what I need and want, which is incredibly liberating.
Create habits that stick.
In March when Covid-19 stay-at-home orders started, I developed a simple health and wellness chart on my dining room wall. Every day I created sticky notes that marked fulfillment (or not) in categories that I deemed critical to my well-being. For me, these categories, in no particular order, were sleep, water, connection, movement, and creativity. By making these things visible to me, I was able to actually stay focused on what matters most. Looking back at the layers of sticky notes, it ultimately took me about six weeks of charting my progress in these areas to create habits that stick. Things like connection, exercise, and water consumption were all things I consciously incorporated into my pre-covid life; however, it’s required something different to fulfill these things while living in a quarantined existence. Nine months into the pandemic, I am continuing to find creative ways and reminders to drink more water because when I do I feel I alive. To me, this is somehow a habit that seems more elusive and easily forgotten on a daily basis. And as a little self-kudo, I feel incredibly happy and accomplished sharing that I’ve made progress on a long-standing ‘bucket list’ goal: learning Spanish. (Note: this falls into the category of creativity!) I’ve exceeded 200 consecutive days using Duolingo, and am continuing to enjoy every moment.
Mindfulness activates a portal to deeper understanding.
Undoubtedly, there has been a range of experiences during Covid-19. From the overwhelm and exhaustion that essential front-line healthcare professionals and grocery store clerks continue to manage, single mothers and families navigating the balance of remote learning and work, people living alone and grappling with things like loneliness and isolation, to people out of work all together to include high unemployment especially in the hospitality and service industries. Regardless of the circumstance we each find ourselves in, it’s hard to argue that Covid-19 is shaking our world order. Without undermining or dismissing the grief, devastation, and hardship that individuals and families are experiencing either through lives lost to Covid-19, and employment and livelihood, I argue, for a moment, this shake up isn’t all bad.
Earlier this year the U.S. — and world — slowed down to witness the murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis, MN. Had it not been for Covid-19 getting in the way and slowing us down, I don’t think leaders from many corners of the U.S. — across corporations, board rooms, and public offices — would have collectively seen or experienced this tragedy in the same way. Nor do I think systemic racism, and racial reckoning would be a topic of conversation, or Presidential priority as it has been in the 2020 Election. Slowing down forced overwhelmingly white leaders and communities to collectively witness systemic injustice, and the harsh treatment of people of color by police. It also created a groundswell of protests, conversations, and demands to hold leaders, corporations, and community organizations accountable for behaviors, actions, and policies that perpetuate racism and systems of oppression daily. Finally, it has created the necessary opening for white-presenting individuals to do the hard work of self-examination. In order to truly become the best version of ourselves and to promote equity, I believe scores of white people first need to slow down, witness, listen, question, and converse. I’d like to think that because of this great pause, our nation is beginning, and continuing, to comprehend the magnitude and depth of racism that permeates the systems, structures, policies, and practices that are too commonly our default. Covid-19 is giving us the space and ability to see each other, relationships, unconscious bias, and unfair treatment in new ways, and to understand how it manifests in individuals and the systems that we inhabit. So, how might we all continue to put on the breaks, slow down, and live in a pace of life that allows us to witness humanity in deeper and more profound ways so our hearts and minds can be changed, and we can live into a more just and equitable humanity?
For me, this year-long journey in living mindfully begins and ends with slowing it all down. As Jonathan Foust reminded me on many occasions over the last year, mindfulness practices are often simple, but not easy. In a culture that doesn’t support or strive to slow down, this year has been an anomaly. And with it, for me, some profound new ways of thinking and being have emerged to choose and create the life I want to live.